A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and also affected by the alcoholism, substance abuse, or other addictions of parents, parents' untreated mental illnesses/defects or personality disorders, or the parents emulating their own dysfunctional parents and family experiences.
A common misperception of dysfunctional families is the mistaken belief that the parents are likely on the verge of separation and divorce. While this is true in a few cases, often the marriage bond is very strong as the parents' faults actually complement each other. In short, they have nowhere else to go.
Until recent decades, the concept of a dysfunctional family was not taken seriously by professionals (social workers, teachers, counselors, clergy, etc.) especially among the middle and upper classes. Any intervention would have been seen as violating the sanctity of marriage and increasing the probability of divorce (which was socially unacceptable at the time.) Children were expected to obey their parents (ultimately the father), and cope with the situation alone.
[edit] Examples of a dysfunctional family
Dysfunctional family members have common symptoms and behavior patterns as a result of their common experiences within the family structure. This tends to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior, either through enabling or perpetuation. The family unit can be affected by a variety of factors.
- Denial (i.e. a refusal to acknowledge the alcoholism of a parent or child/teenager; ignoring complaints of sexual abuse; having a workaholic parent), also known as the "elephant in the room."
- Lack of empathy and understanding toward family members
- Lack of clear boundaries (i.e. throwing away personal possessions that belong to others, inappropriate physical boundaries, breaking important promises without just cause)
- Lack of equality and fairness toward younger family members (may include frequent appeasement at the expense of others or uneven enforcement of rules)
- Mixed Messages by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child.)
- Divorced or separated parents in continuous conflict, or parents who should separate, but do not (to the detriment of their children)
- Adulterous or promiscuous behavior regarding parents/teenagers
- Extremes in conflict (either too much or too little fighting between family members)
- Lack of time spent together, especially in recreational activities and social events ("We never do anything as a family.")
- Family members (including children) who "disown" each other, and/or refuse to be seen together in public (either unilaterally or bilaterally)
[edit] Signs of unhealthy parenting
- Disrespect
- Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions)
- Ridicule and belittling
- Bitterness
- "I don't care"
- The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)
- Faulty discipline based more on one's emotions than established rules (i.e. punishment by "surprise")
- Either no or excessive criticism
- The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
- Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)
- Being a miser while children's needs go unmet
- Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
- Regularly forcing children to attend activities which they are extremely over or under qualified for (i.e. using a preschool to babysit a typical nine-year-old boy, taking a young child to poker games, etc.)
- Isolation (parents unwilling to reach out to other families, especially those with children of the same age and gender)
- Unfulfilled projects, activities, and promises affecting children ("Give them three days, and they'll take three decades.")
- Nature vs. nurture (non-biological parents blame common problems on child's heredity; faulty parenting may be the actual cause)
[1]
[edit] Dysfunctional parenting styles
- Using (destructively narcissistic parents)
- Abusing (parents who use physical violence, emotional or sexual abuse to dominate their children)
- Asymmetrical parenting (going to extremes for one child while continually ignoring the needs of another)
- Perfectionist (fixating on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances.)
- Appeasement (parents who reward bad behavior - even by their own standards, and inevitability punish another child's good behavior to maintain the peace)
- Micromanagement (parents who micro-manage their children's lives and/or relationships among siblings - especially minor conflicts)
- "Along for the ride" (a de facto, foster, or adoptive parent who does not care about their non-biological child, but must co-exist in the same home for the sake of their spouse or partner)
- "The guard dog" (a parent who blindly attacks family members perceived as causing the slightest upset to their esteemed spouse, partner, or child)
- "The politician" (a parent who repeatedly makes or agrees to children's promises while having little or no intention of keeping them)
- "Public image manager" (children warned to not disclose what fights, abuse, or damage happens at home, or face severe punishment. "Don't tell anyone what goes on in this family.")
[2]
[edit] Dynamics of dysfunctional families
- Parents who frequently fight amongst themselves (even if divorced or separated)
- Parents vs. kids
- The balkanized family (named after the three-way war in the Balkans where alliances shift back and forth)
- Free-for-all (a family that fights in a free-for-all style)
The table below shows the symptoms of family dysfunction according to three sources (two taken from the same expert). Symptoms that are roughly equivalent are shown in the same row:
| Symptoms of family dysfunction | Signs of unhealthy parenting | Parenting styles which cause family dysfunction |
| Unpredictability | "Dogmatic or chaotic parenting" (harsh and inflexible discipline) Childlike (parents who "parentify" their children. They tend to be needy and incompetent. Usually allow the other parent to abuse children.) using physical means as consequences arbitrarily. Rule by fear. Conditional love | Depriving (parents who control by withholding love, money, praise, attention, or anything else their child needs or wants.) |
| Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority) | Cultlike (parents who feel uncertain and "raise their children according to rigid rules and roles".) | "Denial of an Inner Life" (children are not allowed to develop their own value system) |
[edit] Effects on children
Unlike divorce, and to a lesser extent, separation, there is often no record of an "intact" family being dysfunctional. As a result, friends, relatives, and teachers of such children may be completely unaware of the situation. In addition, a child may be unfairly blamed for the family's dysfunction, and placed under even greater stress than those whose parents separate.
Children growing up in a dysfunctional family have been known to adopt one or more of six basic roles:
- The Good Child also known as the hero: a child who assumes the parental role.
- The Problem Child also known as the scape goat: the child who is blamed for most problems and can also be partly responsible for the family's dysfunction, in spite of often being the only emotionally stable one in the family.
- The Caretaker: the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family.
- The Lost Child: the inconspicuous, quiet one, whose needs are usually ignored or hidden. Often occurs in balkanized families.
- The Mascot: uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system.
- The Mastermind: the opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. Often the object of appeasement by grown-ups.
They may also:
- have moderate to severe mental health issues
- think only of themselves to make up the difference of their childhoods. They're still learning the balance of self-love
- distrust others or even have paranoia
- have difficulty expressing emotions
- bully others or be a victim of bullying (sometimes both in different settings)
- have low self-esteem or a poor self image
- have difficulty forming healthy relationships with others
- feel angry, anxious, depressed, isolated from others, or unlovable
- have mixed feelings of love-hate towards certain family members
- perpetuate dysfunctional behaviors in their other relationships (especially their children)
- lack the ability to be playful, or childlike, and may "grow up too fast"; conversely they may grow up too slowly, or even be in a mixed mode (i.e. well disciplined, but unable to care for themselves)
- often learn to live far away from their families or even run away from home
[edit] See also
[edit] References
- ^ Neuharth, Dan (1999). If You Had Controlling Parents. Harper Paperbacks. ISBN 0060929324.
- ^ Neuharth, Dan (1999). If You Had Controlling Parents. Harper Paperbacks. ISBN 0060929324.
