The Cockney alphabet, also known as the Surrealist alphabet^[1], is a humorous recital of the alphabet, parodying the way the alphabet is taught to small children. The humour comes from forming unexpected words and phrases from the names of the various letters of the alphabet.

[edit] Clapham and Dwyer version

In the 1930s, the comedy double act Clapham and Dwyer recorded the following version:

A for 'orses (hay for horses)

B for mutton (beef or mutton)

C for 'th highlanders (Seaforth Highlanders)

D for 'ential (deferential)

E for Adam (Eve or Adam)

F for 'vescence (effervescence)

G for police (Chief of police)

H for respect (age for respect)

I for Novello (Ivor Novello)

J for oranges (Jaffa oranges)

K for 'ancis, (Kay Francis), or K for undressing

L for leather (Hell for leather)

M for 'sis (emphasis)

N for 'adig (in for a dig, or infradig)

O for the garden wall (over the garden wall)

P for a penny (pee for a penny)

Q for a song (cue for a song), or Q for billiards (cue for billiards)

R for mo' (half a mo')

S for you (it's for you)

T for two (tea for two)

U for films (UFA films)

V for La France (Vive La France)

W for a bob (double you for a bob)

X for breakfast (eggs for breakfast)

Y for Gawd's sake (why, for God's sake)

Z for breezes (zephyr breezes)

[edit] Alternative versions

There are many alternative 'definitions' offered for each letter, some of which include:

B's for honey (bees for honey)

C for miles (see for miles)

C for ships (sea for ships)

C for yourself (see for yourself)

D for dumb (deaf or dumb)

D for 'cate (defecate)

D for 'mation (deformation)

D for dog (deefer dog) (Hence the number of dogs in the '50's known as "Deefer")

D for 'ential (differential, as part of a vehicle)

E for brick (heave a brick)

E for 'ning Standard (Evening Standard)

H for consent (age for consent)

H for a film (age for a film)

I for the Engine (Ivor the Engine)

K for 'teria (cafeteria)

K for Sutherland (Kiefer Sutherland)

N for 'lope (envelope)

N for 'lade (enfilade)

O for the wings of a dove (oh, for the wings of a dove)

P for relief (pee for relief)

P for 'ming seals (performing seals)

P for a whistle (pea for a whistle)

Q for a theatre (queue for a theatre)

Q for tickets (queue for tickets)

Q for a pee

S for Rantzen (Esther Rantzen)

U for 'mism (euphemism)

U for me (you for me)

W for quits (double you for quits)

Y for girlfriend (wife, or girlfriend?)

Y for Heaven's sake (why, for Heaven's sake)

Y for a husband (wife for a husband)

[edit] Notes

1. ^ Clapham & Dwyer, A Surrealist Alphabet. (Available on the CD You have to laugh, don't you?)